Dear Mai Baap,
Let me begin by telling you that I consider it my good fortune to be born here, a great civilization that dates back thousands of years. I congratulate you on preserving so many things from those times – our society, its mindset, our attitude toward women, our infrastructure and the relation between the ruler and the ruled. I am sure we can teach the Egyptians a few things about preservation.
No matter what others say, we must take pride in our heritage. I must commend your efforts at instilling the faith – when the India Shining campaign was on, the cops didn’t slap me at their whim, the driving license babus didn’t ask for bribes and the municipality was giving away free tandoori chicken to the beggars. Now, all throughout the day you are telling us on radio that we invented zero and export software to ninety countries. I N D I A – KUCH TO BAAT HAI HUM MAIN. How can I disagree, mai baap. They say scientists have found the god particle, I am sure we will find out what’s so special about us, someday. Till then, please continue with all these national messages on TV, radio newspaper. We must never forget our gift.
I also must commend your patience. You see, our people are such ganwars, so many of them are lower castes, tribals, uninvited Bangladeshis, Nepalis and Biharis (in Maharastra, sir) Muslims, Chinkis, jats, mallus, villagers and uneducated milling masses. They don’t deserve your time and attention. These bastards know no politics and no English. Sir, you should live in your English homes and breathe your English air, these morons will vote for you when you throw a few notes at them or tell them some bullshit story.
These guys deserve to waste their lives standing in queues and running around your offices. They must never forget their place. I love the work you have done at the RTOs, these offices are such amazing devices in breaking these bastards’ pride. What do they think, they own the country?
And, the new Aadhar card scheme is just marvelous. It can only come out of your great scheming mind, sir. Now, we will have the whole country at our fingertips. I say we should brand these cattle people with iron rods, but what you have devised is way better.
Sir, I live close to you, in Delhi. Going by the process here, I am confident that you have made sure that the bloody villagers will remember their grandmothers. You knew that no one will care if you didn’t make it compulsory, so you did it. You also knew that people will take it lightly if they were not made to sweat in queues, so you made sure that fifty thousand people should report to one center. Parents had become too careful in Kumbh Melas, at least, these Aadhar centers gave the kids a chance to get lost and inspire Bollywood stories.
The center I went to was a government school, sir. I could see your mind at work there – broken benches, dirty walls and pre-historic fans. Perfect to keep this rat breed in their places for generations. I reached the center at ten in the morning, one of the first to do so. Two hours later, there were a hundred of us. But there were no staff – no photographers, no fingerpressers, no computer operators, just a few gentle ladies that no one could be rude to. So, we waited and waited, for your great machinery to roll.
When they finally appeared, teenagers, temporarily hired for the task, we were ready with our collective anger, nozzles pointed at them, eager to fire off volleys of unspeakable abuse. But then they apologized and pleaded that they have not been paid for two months. They still showed up, we were thankful. I could see leave nothing to chance, misery is not just assured, it’s guaranteed.
Just when I thought it was all over, I was told that I had enrolled for KYR (know Your Resident) program, I still had to apply for Adhaar Card. I called up the bank where enrolments were being done, they were booked for a month in advance. In the meantime, you, sir, made it compulsory to have a card to get any government document. No passports, no marriage certificates, no gas connections – none, nothing, zilch, nada, sifar. That’s what we were reduced to, a non-entity. One day a citizen, another day a non-entity.
I am not a Mexican in USA, Tamil in Sri Lanka, Uyghur in China. I am an Indian in India. But, Sir, Lord, Master, who am I to doubt your power!
There were a few who questioned your authority, Sir. That Shabana Azmi woman was yelling on Twitter that facilities were not good in Maharashtra, a few professors in Jawahar Lal Nehru University called it an effort at criminalizing honest citizens. Today morning, I saw all of them standing in a queue. You should lose their documents like you did for thousands of others, call those filthy animals to stand in lines under the summer Sun. That will teach them a lesson.
No one should forget, Sirs, that your fathers got this nation and everything in it as a part of their dowries. You can piss on our faces and we should call that rain.
Your personal servant,
The Young Bigmouth