How to hire a god

Categories Fiction, Humour

Year 2050. God is dead, five of the greatest men on earth are called upon to find a solution. All from different eras, they meet virtually in chat room. Here is what transcribed:

INTERNET CHAT ROOM: SUPER AVENGERS, YEAR: 2050

MAHATMA_PEACEMAN: Hello

BARACKATTACK2008: Hello

MAHATMA_PEACEMAN: Who are you?

BARACKATTACK2008: The most powerful man in the world. who are you?

MAHATMA_PEACEMAN: The guy who defeated the most powerful empire of the world.

BARACKATTACK2008: So, you are a vietnamese?

THEREALSUPERMAN: Guys, peace out, stop being juveniles and such show offs. This is M. Gandhi, you must have read about him in history books. And, that’s Obama,USpresident.

BARACKATTACK2008: And, who the hell are you?

THEREALSUPERMAN: Superman, the real one.

MAHATMA_PEACEMAN: And, you are not a juvenile show off?

THEREALSUPERMAN: What did I tell you? I am the real one.

BARACKATTACK2008: Oh, yes. Aren’t you a sweet boy?

MAHATMA_PEACEMAN: Ha ha ha

BARACKATTACK2008: LOL

THEREALSUPERMAN: Enough! Do you guys even know why we are here?

BARACKATTACK2008: Enough! Do you guys even know why we are here?

THEREALSUPERMAN: The world is in danger and five superheroes have been called upon to save it.

BARACKATTACK2008: Oh, god! Am I in comic book?

MAHATMA_PEACEMAN: What’s a comic book? Since when am I am superhero?

THEREALSUPERMAN: Are we done here? We don’t have time.

MAHATMA_PEACEMAN: I am an old man, fought the British all my life. I don’t have it in me to pick another fight.

BARACKATTACK2008: Is that it, old man? I fought the pakis, the afghanis, the iraqis, Qaddafi, middle fingered the iranians and god knows how many more! Hell, it seems all I did was fight. I am not getting off my couch.

THEREALSUPERMAN: Ok, I knew you guys are no good. I was briefed.

BARACKATTACK2008: Briefed? You were briefed that we are no good?

THEREALSUPERMAN: I will just wait for others to come.

BARACKATTACK2008: Briefed? You were briefed that we are no good?

MAHATMA_PEACEMAN: Dhokla, I want dhokla…dhok.. (sleeping and talking)

SUPERMAN HEARS MAHATMA SNORING AND BEFORE BARACK COULD ASK ANY MORE QUESTIONS, HE CHANGES HIS STATUS TO “AWAY”

ARYANRULEZZZ: Hello

BARACKATTACK2008: Now, who the hell are you?

ARYANRULEZZZ: Shut up. Stand at attention. Where are my other soldiers?

BARACKATTACK2008: Yo, G, wake up. Another mad man washed up here.

MAHATMA_PEACEMAN: Not interested, son. I am sure you can take care of it.

ARYANRULEZZZ: Who the hell you think are? I want you to report to me now.

BARACKATTACK2008: [Giggles.]

MAHATMA_PEACEMAN: Are the British back again or what!

ARYANRULEZZZ: You little rat, whoever you are, you will pay for this. You call Hitler a bloody British!!

BARACKATTACK2008: Hitler!

MAHATMA_PEACEMAN: Hitler!!

THEREALSUPERMAN: Ah Hitler, you are finally here.

ARYANRULEZZZ: Who are you, you despicable runt? Another soldier of mine?

THEREALSUPERMAN: No sir, we are all equals here. Generals, if you please.

ARYANRULEZZZ: I don’t have time for jokes. I got a world to save.

MAHATMA_PEACEMAN: SAVE? MY BARE FOOT!You murderer of millions, what do you know about saving?

ARYANRULEZZZ: Who the raving maniac are you?

MAHATMA_PEACEMAN: Gandhi. Don’t even know why I am answering you!

ARYANRULEZZZ: Ah, the one from India? You were our favorite tea time topic. Gave those soft brits a hard time.

MAHATMA_PEACEMAN: Didn’t give them a hard time. I threw them out of country.

BARACKATTACK2008: Oh, god, not again!

THEREALSUPERMAN: Gentlemen, can we call this meeting to an order now? We have a lot of issues to discuss.

ARYANRULEZZZ: I think we should wait for the last General.

THEREALSUPERMAN: I am sure we have wasted too much time already.

BARACKATTACK2008: Why don’t you tell what the agenda is? G and I have no idea why we are here.

THEREALSUPERMAN: There is no agenda. In fact, the problem itself has left us quite befuddled.

MAHATMA_PEACEMAN: So, why don’t you tell us what it is so we can all go home.

THEREALSUPERMAN: The god is dead. That’s the problem. Steve Jobs has become a deity, Justin Bieber has his own cult too, but the god, as we knew him, is dead.

BARACKATTACK2008: And no one cares for the first black president? Wasn’t that the most path breaking event at one time in the world?

MAHATMA_PEACEMAN: But where is the problem?

THEREALSUPERMAN: It was easier when there were only a few religions and gods to fight over. Now, even those mobile apps are credible reasons to fight over!

BARACKATTACK2008: So, you need a new god?

THEREALSUPERMAN: I guess we will save a lot of time if I just say yes.

ARYANRULEZZZ: I have the solution to all your problems. You see, I am the only one who has some hands on experience of the position. 

THEREALSUPERMAN: What do you mean?

ARYANRULEZZZ: Don’t waste my time with all that. Even you will agree, it was for a short period of time but I was almost godlike.

BARACKATTACK2008: We all know how that went!

MAHATMA_PEACEMAN: The real whatever, are you really sure that you want to bring back a god to the world?

BARACKATTACK2008: We all know how that went too!

MAHATMA_PEACEMAN: So, you can say things I can agree with! Just remember the miseries the world had to through for the gods.

THEREALSUPERMAN: If we all agree, I don’t have any issues. I will call this meeting to an end.

ARYANRULEZZZ: I don’t. I am ready to become the acting god so long as someone more worthy is not found.

MAHATMA_PEACEMAN: I don’t recommend a god.

BARACKATTACK2008: I am with G on this.

THEREALSUPERMAN: Ok, so with the power vested in me, I declare that we don’t need a god.

JUST THEN THE FIFTH member OF THE MEETING POPS UP.

TheoneandonlyGOD: I knew you guys were going to do this someday. I am so glad I never helped mankind with anything. Now, you are on your own, like ever before.

 

This post is submitted as an entry for the WeChat contest at Indiblogger.